My perspective is changing, as is my body!

I found out recently that I’ve lost 10 lbs. and 4.4% body fat.  The thing is, I’ve been working out regularly for almost 3 years now and this is by far the biggest change for my body.  I’ve always wanted to be that person who says they’ve lost 10 lbs, and now I am.   But I’m not done.

I’m still working on it.  About 6 weeks ago I reached a point that I was finally able to start changing the way I eat.  And as time passes I find greater strength in making the right choices with my food.  I’m able to accept that food is a fuel in addition to it being the occasional subject of celebration and pleasure, but in very appropriate portions.

Initially, I felt I was depriving myself of the foods I love to eat.  This led to a feeling of panic and anguish, fretting over the loss of something yummy, feeling like I was missing out on something THAT EVERYBODY ELSE COULD EAT EXCEPT ME! woo!

But I’m learning that eating right does not mean that I don’t get to enjoy life just like everybody else.  It means I don’t need food to be happy and it also means that every once in a while I can enjoy a treat without it becoming my regular choice of food.  And the novelty of that food truly allows it to be a treat.

It’s not easy for me.  I have moments that I want to tear into some food stuffs with sheer abandon.  But then I remind myself of those feelings that finally led to my rock bottom.  I can’t stand that I’ve been working really hard in the gym only to remain the same size week after week, month after month, year after year.  And I know what I did wrong, I rewarded myself with food, I rationalized that if I worked out I could eat whatever I wanted.  Portions be damned.   And for a time, that did prevent me from gaining weight, but that wasn’t my ultimate goal.

I feel like I had to get honest with myself, brutally fucking honest.  And that’s what I’m doing, struggling to do, and determined to keep doing.

 

 

Did the Earth spin a little faster this week or was it just me?

Every time I looked at the clock this past week I realized I was running late for something.  And thus the feeling of urgency and immediacy was my bff…all weeek long.  And I think it started on Monday.

It didn’t help that I had over 2000 BoxTops that needed to be clipped and counted and sent off by Thursday, it didn’t help that Mike worked a whole lot this week, it didn’t help that I needed extra time to administer Rogan’s nebulizer 3 times a day, it didn’t help that money was really starting to run low and there were multiple bills due ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, it didn’t help that my house looks like it was flipped upside down and violently shaken, and it certainly didn’t help that we kept on wearing clothes only to make them dirty thus needing laundered.  And as a side note, I think we wear entirely too many clothes and we don’t wear them long enough.  Who was the idiot that decided if you wear a shirt for one day that it shouldn’t be worn for several more days?!?!?

It was just a week of crazy and I so want it to end well.  It’s Saturday and the kids are bursting at the seams and so ready for Halloween and all its delicious glory.

I’m hoping after today, before next week rolls in, that I can slow down and regain what little composure I like to pretend I have on a good day!  We’ll see what happens.

Shit, I just looked at the time and I’m going to be late for my spinning class if I don’t hurry.

Heads nor Tails

Mike is still pulling third shift, and I as a direct result, I can’t seem to function normally.  I feel like Mike and I are living in parallel universes, not unlike that one movie…you know, where they leave notes for each other but at different times in their lives.

I have not been writing on this blog, nor reading other blogs.  Just a few visits to Facebook and I’m overwhelmed.

Everything seems to have taken on a slow motion feel, yet I can’t seem to get everything done that needs to do done.  What an oxymoronic predicament.

Oh yeah, and I can’t seem to stop needing naps during the day either.  WTF!

Gotta go.  I think I’ve spent too much time here and if I don’t hurry, I’ll be late for doing nothing.

If Jealousy is Green, What Color is Guilt?

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday.  I’m excited!  I feel like I have finally reached a point in my life that I am starting to appreciate the value of making good choices for my body.  I’m trying to eat better, exercises regularly and maintain a better mood.  The mood part remains the most challenging area for me.  In addition to managing the guilt I feel when I “violate” my routine!

The summer is going well despite the skin-melting heat we are enduring right now.  The boys are enjoying the activities we do from time to time.  I do not have them enrolled in many summer activities, and I still struggle with indecision and guilt regarding that being a good thing or bad.  There are so many families that schedule daily activities for their kids, and I have chosen to “fly by the seat of our pants” instead.  Does that make me lazy, cheap, or neglectful?

Next month the boys will begin swimming lessons, which in our opinion is a necessity.  They must know how to swim.   I sometimes feel guilty about the fact that they don’t know how to swim yet.

I’m noticing a theme here…why is there so much guilt associated with living life and raising our children?  Where the hell does that come from?  I’ll tell you: we compare ourselves to everyone else instead of feeling confident about making independent decisions without second guessing them.

And with that, I’m making a New Year’s resolution:  STOP COMPARING MY FAMILY TO OTHER’S FAMILIES!!  STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR DECISIONS I MAKE!  I HAVE THE FREE WILL TO MAKE WHATEVER DECISION I WANT!!

“It’s not New Year’s”, you say!

No shit!

Try To Picture The Grin On My Face As You Read This!

O my fucking gawd.  I re-instituted “quiet time” today, and at the moment, each boy is in his respective room doing whatever they hell they want.  And me?  I’m feeling a little more hope that this summer won’t be so bad after all!

Last summer, when Rogan was still napping and McKade was a raving pre-kindergarten maniac, we started quiet time.  It was a multi-faceted move on my part:

• Preserving my sanity
• Preserving Rogan’s nap time
• Calming McKade down a little as he was losing control towards the end of the day
• Eventually McKade started napping too and it became obvious that “quiet time” was even more valuable that I had originally thought
• Allowing the boys to have their own space, in a week-assed attempt to decrease the in-fighting around here
• Encouraging independent play…something my boys do not seem to know how to do
• And did I mention the preservation of my own freaking sanity?

So in conclusion, I strongly encourage EVERYONE to partake of the “quiet time” intervention!

Thank you for your attention!

Food Confessions

This is only the first of many more to come…

There have been and continue to be times in my life when I have made less than stellar food choices.  I realize this is not an offense limited to only me.

I’m going to share one of bad choices, right here, right now.  As of this point I only recently told my good friend Heather and my sister Candice about this bed behavior relating to food.  So here goes…deep breath…

Many times when I am cleaning up after dinner and putting away the leftovers, I try to pick the smallest container to squeeze the stuff into.  The food that didn’t fit?  I ate it.   Yes, folks, I said it, I ate the freaking food that could not be squeezed into the goddamn Tupperware container.  Sometimes it was “just” a small handful of pasta.  Other times it might be a few pieces of extra broccoli.  But most of the time, it was more than “just” a handful, and it wasn’t usually broccoli.

WTF???  I wasn’t sure why I chose the smallest possible container, I think I was always wanting to “save” the bigger containers for something “more important” or I thought I was “saving space” in the fridge!!  And now I realize I was probably subconsciously setting myself up for some binge eating!!

But tonight, I grabbed the biggest container I could and very consciously put away every last piece of the macaroni and cheese that I  normally would have gorged on!

“She is so going to talk about religion in her blog!”

After recently getting connected with Benchmarks, a local fund raising organization, I started thinking more about my beliefs, my pro-choice stance and my thoughts on religion.

You see, I have not practiced any religion since, um, turning 6.  Hmmm, let’s see, that’s about 29 years ago, and that also coincides with our move to America.  I’m going to take a wild stab at it and say that any religious influence we had in our lives while living in Scotland was brought to us via the grandparents.  My parents did not continue any kind of religious tradition once away from their parents, although from time to time, we were invited by friends to partake in several Jewish celebrations, and we almost always went.

I think if I were forced at gunpoint to had to pick a religion, I would align myself with Judaism.  And I would do so for several reasons:

1. I have many ancestors who are Jewish!
2. Both my Mother and Father are Jewish!
3. I participated in more Jewish celebrations than anything else, unless of course you count Christmas, but I don’t!
4. The Jews are The Chosen People, and come on, how fucking cool is that?
5. I feel ferocious when I think about the Holocaust and what was done to the Jews, knowing that quite possibly one or more of my relatives was greatly affected by this  horrific event.
6. I am more willing to believe that we have not yet seen the coming of “the savior” rather than thinking that Jesus Christ was it.  [And just for the record, in this instance I am WAY more agnostic than anything else...I heard someone use the term "reverent agnostic" once, and frankly that shoe fits really damn well!]
7. The food!
8. They have great hair!
9. I keep (in the loosest sense of the word) Kosher simply because I’m a vegetarian…I don’t eat pork, and I don’t do meat and dairy together, I don’t eat crab, lobster, octopus, clam, swordfish, sturgeon…you see where I’m going with this…I’m Kosher by default!
10. And last but not least, have you seen my nose?!?!?

But seriously, the issue of religion is overwhelming and intriguing all at the same time.  I respect and welcome all definitions of “God” into the conversation.  What I can’t stand is when one religion is held up over all others.  What I can’t stand is when religion is used to infringe upon the safety and well-being of others.

It’s OK in my book to talk about religion.  Shit, it’s OK in my book to talk about anything you damn well want to talk about.  And I am proud of that.  I encourage that and I welcome that.

We can even throw around a few words about abortion and politics.

My Theory:

What happens to our parents when we grow up and they come for a visit:

They seem to fall into 1 of 3, possibly 4, categories…they become either a) “Guests only” – doing nothing, and expecting to be waited on hand and foot, b) Overly demanding and taking charge – parenting your kids, telling you in many ways how you do it all wrong and that their way is better,   c) Completely clueless and “dumbing down”, or d) If you’re lucky, your parents know just how to handle being in your home with your children and they doing almost everything right!!

This theory developed after a meeting with my therapist.  And of course, there is no research and no data to back this all up.  It’s just me exploring my own experiences.  The thing is, there are reasons why parents might fall into these various roles.  And further exploration is something worth doing, probably for all of us!  And I imagine there may even be more “types” of  parents out there.

I’d love to hear what you have to add!

Vasectomy Leads to Sexual Freedom

Not yet!!

Mike has to get re-tested again.  They found swimmers in his first sample.  What does this mean you ask?

1. It means there are still some live ones in his system and we didn’t do enough to clean him out…if you know what I mean…or,
2. They botched the procedure and poor Mike will have to undergo additional efforts to stop his swimmers from…well…swimming…or,
3. My Mike is so damn VIRILE that his reproductive juices cannot be stopped from flowing forth from his loins!!

I’m betting on #1!!

Listless

1. Mike leaves tonight to travel until late Tuesday night, which really isn’t that long but the Sunday night departure really does a number on me.
2. Rogan has been peeing in the potty daily…he’s still in diapers and peeing there too but this is a huge success in our lives.
3. The boys just woke Mike up with volume, I was trying to let him sleep in a little.  I don’t feel bad, he’s going out of town, and did I mention he’s leaving on a Sunday night?
4. I made a couple of watches and donated them to a silent auction for the Elkhart Mental Health Association.  (I didn’t actually “make” the watches, I made cute bands for watch faces that I buy!)
   

   I didn't make this one, but mine are similar!!

5. Just finished reading The Secret Life of Bees and it was really good.  I would recommend it!
6. No sign of Mike, maybe he just got up to pee and went back to bed!…Oh there is he is!
7. Be right back…NEED COFFEE!!
8. Before I mention #8 here, I’ll preface it by saying that Rogan still sleeps in his crib.  He’s a roller, a mover and a shaker…so we’ve been hesitant to move him to a big boy bed.  Besides that, McKade slept in a crib until he was 3+ as well, so this is typical for our boys.  Anyway, the crib Ro is in convertible and today we removing the front portion so that he can now climb in and out by himself!!  Yeah!
9. I’m very curious to know how many “adult-children” experience relatively serious conflict with their parents.  Specifically how many adult women experience difficulty with their fathers and how that has manifested itself in their other intimate relationships.  I don’t doubt for one minute that the partners I have chosen over the years were directly influenced by deep seeded issues with my Dad.
10. An unlucky bird built their nest in the kids’ swing set, right in the little clubhouse area.  Of course we thought it best to move it both for the safety of the boys and the welfare of the baby birds.  There were no eggs in the nest yet, I begged Mike to move the nest into a nearby tree in the hopes that the bird will go along with the new digs!  I know, this is not realistic!
11. Mmmmmm, good coffee!
12. Rogan just gave me a really big tight hug and he said his cousin Christopher taught him how to give a really “hard hug”.  Remind me to call and thank Christopher for teaching this wonderful hug technique!
13. Mike finished working on the benches he’s been building for several weeks months??!!  They look great!
    

    New play equipment for the boys!!

14. My tribute to I can has Cheezburger:
    

    I iz in yoor drawer, cuddling wif yoor offiss suplies!