Sisterspoken
L. and I had a very frank conversation this weekend…about money, and what it feels like to struggle with it…not having enough, feeling guilty because you have more than someone else and feeling threatened by others who seem to have more.
You see, several months ago, I made a startling self-discovery: My self- worth/self-esteem seems to be directly connected to how much money I do or don’t have. This may seem like the type of theory we develop after looking at others, say from a sociological perspective, but realizing this about myself and giving it voice has been tough.
I’ve shared this theory with a few very close family members…and it all seems to make sense, in a really confusing way.
I didn’t grow up with plentiful money, and my Mother struggled desperately to provide for us in the best possible way. Damn, could she make a dollar work! She taught me so much about money. She had faith that she could make it work out. And that has stayed with me, and I consider it a great life-gift. But, as an adult, sometimes I am reminded of what if felt like to be a child, looking on as the ‘rich’ kids did their thing. I am ashamed of these thoughts and feelings and I am embarrassed to be admitting this out loud. But it’s time.
L. shared some similar experiences with me and that allowed me in turn to share with her that I have often felt a wee bit ‘inferior’ to her. She ’seems’ like she ‘comes from money’, and I don’t know if that is true or not. But that perception has caused me doubt…self-doubt. That perception has caused me to wonder if things she has said in the past were ‘digs’ at me or simply her attempt at comedy. (And just for the record, L. happens to be one of the wittiest people I know!!)
After speaking with her and thinking back over the years, I have come to
believe that my friendship with L. is pure and without judgment, on both sides. It took GREAT courage for us both to give voice to such dark and shameful feelings. I am proud of us both for going there. Thanks L.
T,
. BTW, I have been obsessing over what I have said in the past that made you upset. I can guarantee you that I never meant to hurt you.
I can assure you that my comments were not digs on you. It was definitely my feeble attempt at humor
Yes, this topic is a confusing one. I have struggled with it for years and hate that I have felt jealous of others, etc. I oftentimes look at people in better financial shape and think that life is somehow easier for them. I know this isn’t necessarily true, but it just seems like they have more choices and freedoms.
I have noticed that I take an inventory of what I DON’T have–or how my life is lacking–when I am feeling really negative, tired or angry. I am happiest when I focus on all the things that make my life full like my family, friends, my son, etc.
As we talked about this weekend, we know that money doesn’t matter, but yet it plays such an essential role in our lives. How do we keep it in perspective without it taking control over our feelings and identities?
I had such a great weekend with you girls. I started my week on a happy note since I got lots of time to connect with my sweet friends. And I am wearing a YELLOW shirt today.
Love, Linds
I can assure you Linds, it was a passing comment. I believe it was a throwback to some goofy thing I had done in the past that I was probably embarrassed about, and you recalled it…being reminded of it again caused me to feel embarrassed again…and I wasn’t sure if it was indeed a dig!
Please no more obsessing about what it was…I think you and I have found our way past that and into a better and stronger place!