Mack had a great second day. He was REALLY tired when he arrived home…the kind of tired a mother knows when she looks in the face of her child and sees the flushed cheeks and faint gray outline around the eyes. I pretty much insisted that he spend the afternoon on the couch watching tv and maybe even falling asleep. No luck on the napping front, but his execution of the couch potato task was impeccable!
In all seriousness though, I think I’m realizing that I might fare better as a mother of school aged children. This is not easy for me to admit. I had a conversation with my mother recently, and I briefly mentioned that Mike had joked about us not having any more children right after I burst into tears when McKade boarded the bus.
I wasn’t considering any more children. I know these two boys are enough for me. But here’s the really self-effacing part: They are enough for me because sometimes I don’t even feel like I have enough for them. Not to mention adding another life into the mix.
But knowing that deep within yourself and then hearing a slightly watered down version of that from your mother is…well it’s hard. If she knows, and I know, then who else knows? Who else is aware that I find my job as a mother of two boys really fucking hard? Who else knows that I struggle with my emotions and my anger and my frustration? Who else knows that I question the chemical balance within my body? Who else knows that I wonder if I need to start taking antidepressants again ?
I sometimes wish that I was the type of woman who can be a good mother to a small team of children. Which I guess means that on some level I admire the women who can do it. I see something admirable and inspirational in a woman who can keep her calm and continue to be an effective caregiver to a group of bloodsucking challenging offspring.
But that’s not me. It can’t be me. There aren’t enough drugs antidepressants on the black market that could transform me into the type of woman who can have a gaggle of tots…
So I at least resolve to be aware of my deficiencies and weaknesses. I try to be honest with myself, and I try to listen without assuming a defensive posture when others notice that I sometimes suck at this job. Because I do!