Selling God Door to Door

Potentially witty banter & probable offensive religious material ahead…READER BEWARE!!

So there’s a knock at the door the other day and it’s one of the neighborhood girls.  She’s obviously selling something as she is holding what appears to be paperwork in her hands.  Excited about the possibility of buying some sort of goodies in the name of school fund raisers, I opened the door.

Much to my dismay, she is not selling Chocolate.  She is selling what I will call, God Shirts.  Yup!  T-Shirts with a variety of God-related phrases printed right [God]smack on the front of the shirt.  My thoughts went like this:

  • Shit!  I don’t see any chocolate…
  • I wonder if she has any God chocolate…maybe a dark chocolate Jesus…or even a milk chocolate crucifix..
  • I don’t see any non God clothing…
  • Shit, I’m not buying this just for the sake of a school fund raiser, I’d NEVER wear it…
  • Shit, if I tell this girl I don’t want this, will I offend her…do I care?
  • Is God a sell-out for allowing her/his name to be put on crap like this?
  • Should I ask her if she has anything with Satan on it?
  • Maybe an agnostic hoodie…
  • Or a pair of sweatpants with “Atheist” [God]smacked across the ass…

So I tell the girl that I’m not really interested and that this isn’t really our thing.  She responds, and with some [God]spunk if you ask me, that I might find something for Rogan in the kids’ section.  Which she quickly flips to in the catalog.  And for a moment there, I was a little excited that I might find something non-gawdy Goddy for Rogan.  Sadly, I was wrong.  More tees with printed sayings like “Jesus Loves Me”, or “I Am a Child of God”…or some such shit like that!!

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not a God hater or anything.  I’m just not comfortable enough with the concept of God to advertise for her/him.

I like to refer to myself as a reverrent agnostic.  And if they stuck that on a shirt, I’d buy it.  And it wouldn’t even have to be for a school fundraiser!!


7 thoughts on “Selling God Door to Door

  1. anne says:

    I want a dark chocolate rasperry cream filled Jesus.

  2. Tanzie says:

    God Damn that sounds good!!

  3. Erin says:

    This post was hilarious. Loved it.

  4. Crazy like a chicken says:

    Maybe if my heathen butt ever steps into church again, I can suggest they replace the paper thin carboard tasting waffers with a small slice of Jenn’s better than sex raspberry chocolate bars. I would totally show up for church every freakin Sunday for that!

  5. Kjirsten says:

    Ha Ha! I love it! That’s hillarious.

  6. outspokenandunderpaid says:

    mmmm….chocolate raspberry bars! and served at church? I’d go too!

  7. Candice Freedman says:

    I want to bite the head off of a Dark Chocolate Jesus. Is that wrong?

    Perhaps the Vatican can help restore economic stability in the world with a Huge Father/Son/Holy Ghost Chocolate Bar Bake Sale?

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